I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
You Might Also Like
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Tuesday
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.