I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
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The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023