I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
![]()
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner