I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Autocorrect is my menesis
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang