I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
HR said no more nunchucks.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.