I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
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I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.