I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
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me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.