I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[canadians at you, canadianly]
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”