I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…