I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it