I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.