Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Lmao the reply

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

secret recipe

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.