I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Those are good neighbors.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
asking santa clause for nudes
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’