I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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Every photo I’m tagged in
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
welp
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.