I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Thoughts
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”