Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.