I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
why isn’t thunder called soundning
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no