I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
this will hang in the louvre one day
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.