Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.