Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Many hands make light work

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!