Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

These dogs look like they have good credit.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime