I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.