I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
🍂🕷️🍂
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.