I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
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Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water