I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
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8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact