I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.