Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*