Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

My first child will be named New Folder.

🤣😂🤣

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me