I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.