I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this