I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?