Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.