Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

God making man in his image was the original selfie

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

🤣

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.