Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

British people

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.