Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?