I would not survive a horror movie. I’d be the fool who investigates a strange noise, trips over her own shoelace and lands face first in a bear trap.
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
yo apparently, Micheal Jackson would go and record songs as soon as he got the idea so God wouldn’t pass the idea to Prince and I’m fucking cackling, yes this is the kind of vendetta I’m on lmaoo
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
