Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

is nasa ok

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

BaD BoY!!

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.