I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
LOL
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up