I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself