I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
“i miss shittin on people”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.