I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Flowers bee like
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD