I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine