Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

it be like that

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!