nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?