@MableGertrude

I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.

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@AthenaMystique

How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.

@daemonic3

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

@LilBlueBlood

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

@KalvinMacleod

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”calamitygina”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3500139565/481993e5347fcad3e98d66cc4c9f4ded_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”222056070812676097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:135:”Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

@JesseFernandez

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

@CafeinatedBacon

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad