@MableGertrude

I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.

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@WheelTod

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

@0v3rthOught

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

@TwinSurvivalist

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

@girl_a_whirl

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

@vikkaroni

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@MavenofHonor

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away