I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.