I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I feel it
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.