I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
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pizza
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.