Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?