Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

<—- homeless romantic

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

Spider-cat: No One Home