I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
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My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu