I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door