I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
yea so i messed up lol
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
