I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat