I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I can’t stop watching this.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
A dad and his duck
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want