I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.