I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
This guy’s not having it 😆
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet