I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
TODAY
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]