Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

Peace was never an option

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid