Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

The First Farmer

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now