I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
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[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
mechanics be like
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”