Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

fly smarter, not harder

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show