I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
