Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.