Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

Did a trash talking tree write this?

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?