I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working