Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

repaired

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

gentlemen, hear me out

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.