Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]