Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Saw this yesterday lol

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮