I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
こいつ天才
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
*Seductively hides in the woods
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”