Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

This joke is 7 years old

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

(more comics:

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.