I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck