I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
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I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.