I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
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[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?