I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go